“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
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I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms