I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab