Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
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The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Mhm.