Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Are you ok, human???
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect