Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
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[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Spell check is for lasers.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
*puts cutlery down*
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.