It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
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Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Happy Star Wars day!