The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.