If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Florida be like…
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.