“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
You Might Also Like
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
What is going on? 😅
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.