Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
You Might Also Like
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Truth
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!