Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
my dog when i have a friend over
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.