customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
“Wait, let me explain..”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.