*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
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Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count