[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
He’s dead
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.