I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
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I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
me
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.