[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.