growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
You Might Also Like
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”