Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
bias laundering edition