Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?