“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
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Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
the icebreaker
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]