H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
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I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.