Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
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I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Pringles
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
set yourself free xox
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.