Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com