Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.