[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely