[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
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I love wikipedia
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My dating profile:
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.