There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob