[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”