ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
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We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.