Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
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I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Seems legit
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.