I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
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Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
How to properly lift a body
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
waiting for halloween be like:
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows