skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
You Might Also Like
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.