Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
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Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood