My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.