Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king