I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.