I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
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Posting this on behalf of a friend
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I want to meet the individual who made this
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶