Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
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If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL