Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
💻🤡
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any