Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
When does CPR become necrophilia?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.