My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.