Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?