It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.