My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Oh my god
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
The internet is full of many things
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.