every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*