Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?