The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow