When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds