Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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Do not levitate over flowers
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.