Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
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I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.